Hello Everyone! Merry Christmas and a happy new year! I hope everyone has had a lovely day, filled with thoughtful presents, lots of family and yummy food! And with Christmas over there is a week until the year ends. Will try and update twice before new years but don't count on it. I am very busy with holiday parties and work. Also is it weird that my favourite present today was a map? It is of the East Coast of the U.S. where I should be travelling along this summer before (hopefully) going to University. I am pretty sure it is the first thing my dad has actually picked out for me in years, which I guess is why I love it so much. There isn't really much else to say.
Merry Christmas!
-Random Girl xx
Friday 25 December 2015
Sunday 6 December 2015
6 Months, 2 Weeks and 3 Days
So I have done a pretty poor job of blogging. I have had this blog for almost a year and you would think that by now I would know what I was going and what to write about. Well I don't. But that pretty much explains my life. I just pretend I know what I am doing until I hopefully figure it out. I just go along with everyones plans and tweak it here and there but I don't really make any of my own decisions. Like some sort of puppet. I have different people pulling my stings and telling me what to do, what to say, what to think. The only thing they don't control is what I say on here. By not allowing anyone to know I blog, it gives me the power and freedom to say how I feel without the strings tugging at my mind. I am free.
But shouldn't life always be like that? Why do I have to keep secrets and lie in order to be who I am without judgement? Well, I guess you guys are probably judging me but I don't know who you are and you don't know who I am so that doesn't bug me much. It is when the people I care about that judge me, and those people who hurt me.
My teachers see me as a girl who will probably fail. Again. And that I am just being over hopeful about the possibility of going to University. They just go along with this act because they are paid to. Not because they care about my accomplishments. They all have very low expectations of me which in turn gives me low expectations of myself. They don't believe that I will pass and I will do my best to prove them wrong. And myself. Just like I always try to do. And sometimes I do prove them wrong. But when I do I don't get the reaction I want. Even though they are surprised they just want me to do better. Because what I achieve will never be good enough.
Then there is my friends. I can easily split all my friends into two categories. The ones from school who I see all the time, talk to all the time, and think they know me when they don't. And the ones who are now gone. At a stage of their lives which I have not got to yet. The people I thought I didn't fit in with but strangely enough the longer we are apart the closer I feel to them. Like family. When they were here I never felt that way. I thought they were just my friends from school for the time being. But now they mean a lot more to me than that. I love them. They are family to me. And I don't tell many people I love them. In fact I never used the word until about a year ago. Sometimes I feel like they are the only people who accept me for who I am and let me be who I want to be. At school, my friends are always deciding things for me. And they have an image of what they think I am like and I end up becoming that. They think they know who I am and I just let them. What is the point in arguing with them if they won't ever believe me. They say I do things I haven't and feel things I don't. And that is the truth. Their truth. Not mine. But what is the difference really?
And of course there is the main two puppeteers of my life. My parents. And just like every teenager, I am going to whine about them to. They have expectations of me which I have not ever wanted to achieve. They have this perfect little image of me getting good grades, being talented, going to university, getting a good job and having a stable life and family. I don't want that. Not for a while at least. I want to see the world, discover new things, discover who I am. I don't mind if I don't exactly have a stable lifestyle and a lot of money. As long as I am happy. Because that is all I want. My parents order me around and guilt me into things which is how they control my actions and emotions.
I want to be myself. I want to be honest. I want to stand up for what I believe in. I want to have fun. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished without being put down for it. I want to see and discover everything. I want to know who I am. I want to live. Live a life that is my own. And I guess I will eventually. It will just take 6 months, 2 weeks and 3 days. And then I will be free.
But shouldn't life always be like that? Why do I have to keep secrets and lie in order to be who I am without judgement? Well, I guess you guys are probably judging me but I don't know who you are and you don't know who I am so that doesn't bug me much. It is when the people I care about that judge me, and those people who hurt me.
My teachers see me as a girl who will probably fail. Again. And that I am just being over hopeful about the possibility of going to University. They just go along with this act because they are paid to. Not because they care about my accomplishments. They all have very low expectations of me which in turn gives me low expectations of myself. They don't believe that I will pass and I will do my best to prove them wrong. And myself. Just like I always try to do. And sometimes I do prove them wrong. But when I do I don't get the reaction I want. Even though they are surprised they just want me to do better. Because what I achieve will never be good enough.
Then there is my friends. I can easily split all my friends into two categories. The ones from school who I see all the time, talk to all the time, and think they know me when they don't. And the ones who are now gone. At a stage of their lives which I have not got to yet. The people I thought I didn't fit in with but strangely enough the longer we are apart the closer I feel to them. Like family. When they were here I never felt that way. I thought they were just my friends from school for the time being. But now they mean a lot more to me than that. I love them. They are family to me. And I don't tell many people I love them. In fact I never used the word until about a year ago. Sometimes I feel like they are the only people who accept me for who I am and let me be who I want to be. At school, my friends are always deciding things for me. And they have an image of what they think I am like and I end up becoming that. They think they know who I am and I just let them. What is the point in arguing with them if they won't ever believe me. They say I do things I haven't and feel things I don't. And that is the truth. Their truth. Not mine. But what is the difference really?
And of course there is the main two puppeteers of my life. My parents. And just like every teenager, I am going to whine about them to. They have expectations of me which I have not ever wanted to achieve. They have this perfect little image of me getting good grades, being talented, going to university, getting a good job and having a stable life and family. I don't want that. Not for a while at least. I want to see the world, discover new things, discover who I am. I don't mind if I don't exactly have a stable lifestyle and a lot of money. As long as I am happy. Because that is all I want. My parents order me around and guilt me into things which is how they control my actions and emotions.
I want to be myself. I want to be honest. I want to stand up for what I believe in. I want to have fun. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished without being put down for it. I want to see and discover everything. I want to know who I am. I want to live. Live a life that is my own. And I guess I will eventually. It will just take 6 months, 2 weeks and 3 days. And then I will be free.
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