I had a huge argument with my mum yesterday and she has basically constantly attacked me ever since. But for months she has just been tougher on me and making me more and more depressed. I am just always sad and in a bad mood. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't want to completely lose my relationship with my parents (and that they are paying for some of my uni next year because my loan doesn't cover it all) then I would have probably moved out by now.
It seems dramatic but they just make me so unhappy. And it is sad to think that I would be happier without them. All they do is make me cry when I am already stressed enough as it is with exams starting in just over a week. How is it fair that I have to be sad when I work so hard? And that it is my own family that is causing it.
I thought it was just these last few months that they have changed. Or even that I have changed. But I am slowly realising things as I look back at my life. Just about how naive I was. I come from a well off enough family, gone to private schools, lived on a boat and I'm even a little bit spoilt. It sounds good on paper right? Or in this case your screen. But having all that stuff doesn't make you happy. Life is about so much more than that.
I realised today that the last happy memories I have with my dad was from when I was about seven. I am nineteen and still live with him. It shouldn't be this long. But he is always working. Mum says that he is just doing it to provide for us and give us what we have. But I would take him being happy and smiling, spending time with me over a bunch of fancy crap any day. It is almost like he is a completely different person.
Then there is my mum. Who I was always so grateful for looking after me when I was sick. But that kind of blinded me from what she is like as a person. She uses everything she has done for me as a way to guilt me into doing stuff for her. She constantly orders me around, controls what I do. Basically my life worked around hers so she could do what she wants and I had to make it work for her. I think that might be why she is so mad at me now. Because for the first time in my life I am living my life the way I want to. Not the way she wants. She believes she is always right and that there is a double standard about everything. When I go out she says we need to spend time as a family, when I ask to do something together, every single time she tells me she is busy or going out. It is basically her way or.. well her way.
I think I am just becoming more miserable as days go past because I am realising that what I thought was a pretty good family is basically broken. None of us are truly happy with our lives. We don't spend time together. We pay attention to more superficial stuff than what really matters. And that sucks.
So I promise myself today, it doesn't matter if I have a fancy house, send kids to private school, have all the latest stuff. As long as I have a family I love, and who loves me. As long as I go out and see the world for what it is. As long as I do what I want with my life. I will be happy. And I will never let myself become as miserable as my parents.
-Random Girl xx
