Shitty Mood

So I am kind of in a shitty mood. And I don't know why but I have felt like this every evening for the past week. My boyfriend is always at work in the evenings, my friends are away, busy or I can't get to them (because I can't drive), my parents are out every single night and my brother just hides in his room ignoring me. So basically I spend every night alone and it sucks. Either no one wants to spend time with me or they are too busy. But either way the outcome is the same. I'm alone. Not just alone but lonely. I don't always have someone to talk to hence why I am writing about it instead. Because for some reason it always makes me feel better to get it out onto words. Even if I don't get comments or responses. Because that was never what my blog was about. It was about writing how I feel. For me.

Lately life feels a bit like an emotional rollercoaster. I am either extremely happy and in a good mood or I am miserable and feel close to crying. I have had some amazing times lately, like being in love for the first time, making new friends and finally finishing school. And there have also been some not so great times, constantly arguing with my parents, my mum basically acting like i'm a stranger, refusing to let me grow up, having a shitty boss at work, being close to failing one of my exams which I only barely need to pass to get into university and a few medical issues which I don't really feel like talking about. Though those issues may be why I feel so weird lately because I was told I would get mood swings for a few weeks. And no I am not pregnant if that is what you are thinking.

It is hard to distract myself when I am alone when I know I need to revise. Because lets face it. Revision is boring so people's minds drift a lot which is the whole reason I stopped to blog instead. I was so distracted by my thoughts that I started writing something completely different than I was meant to so I gave up. For now.

So what was I distracted by? Well my idiot boyfriend basically dragged me off the sofa and I ended up hurting my whole side because I landed on hard wooden floor which hard objects beneath me and a 24 year old on top of me. Not to mention it was the side where I have a lot of previous injuries. So now my whole side hurts and aches. And because I have a stupid built up tolerance to pain meds I have to take this ridiculously strong one which is only a step down from the ones you get given after surgeries. And my body is still hurting because they take ages to work. Anyway the reason my mind keeps drifting off afterwards was because he was starting to act like a bit of a dick to me afterwards like I was the one who did something wrong. He just said he was tired and annoyed that he had to go to work but something felt off. Plus I was annoyed at him for causing me to be in pain when I need to revise and he didn't seem to even care he hurt me. Coming from the guy who always looks so sad when I'm a clutz who accidentally hurt herself or if he accidentally steps on me or something. It is just weird because we didn't even argue or anything but we have never fought before. And I don't know why I am so annoyed at him.

Then of course when you start thinking about one shitty thing when alone your mind wonders to other things. Mostly I then thought about how he left me to go to work. And then my parents decided to go out. Again. So it was another night alone. I am just so fed up of having no one to spend time with and always being alone to cook myself dinner, find myself something to do and then going to bed alone yet again. This has been going on for ages now but this week has been particularly bad. I can't remember the last family dinner I had, or a night out with friends, or a dinner date. It is just me and my idiot cat who keeps sitting on all my text books.

So anyway, that is my random rambling rant.

- Random Girl xx

End of School Update

Hi. Sorry it has been so long. Life has been busy. Same excuse as usual. School is finishing up which meant a lot of events and exams going on. So what have you missed?

Well I am not sure when the last time I posted was but here is a few key things. I had my last day of school ever. Everyone dresses up in school uniform which are tight and uncomfortable as they haven't been worn in two years. We wreck havoc at the school, bringing in 7 tonnes of sand with us. Why? Well if we can't go to the beach then why not bring the beach to us? Though our paddling pools don't quite beat the ocean. But its okay, we brought water guns to cool us off. Also filled out teachers office with balloons filled with glitter, post noted the windows, stole out teacher's shoes to invent a treasure hunt for her etc. This was followed by a presentation of our life at sixth form. Of course, I wasn't mentioned. Because why would I be? I'm basically a nobody. I went from being someone well known and friends with not only the nerds but also with the popular crowd, to a year where no one knew or cared who I was. Then there was a long boring ceremony thing which is kind of like a graduation only much lamer. I mean why don't we get a cap and gown like on TV? Or a diploma type thing. No we just get a boring speech about what we have learnt over the last few years.

So other than this, I have been mostly revising for exams. Sad, I know. Good news is that in three weeks its over. Bad news is that it means I actually have to take these last few exams soon. The hard ones which basically determine my future forever. Or at least for the next few years.

On a happier note, I did get to go out one night with two of my best friends who I hadn't seen since Christmas. They got to meet my boyfriend and I got to meet one of their boyfriends. So the two couples and the two thirds wheels all went out to surprise another one of my best friends for her birthday. She had no idea we are coming. Sounds like a great night, right? Well I still enjoyed it despite my friend taking cocaine, another friend getting harassed by these two guys, and my boyfriend nearly getting into a fight. Twice. So we gave up before things got worse and left early to end the night eating nachos. What better way to end the night than with your drunken best friends eating cheesy goodness.

So now what? Well I am leaving soon to go travelling for a month. I'm a little sad to leave my boyfriend but I am getting more excited about it now. I keep forgetting its actually happening because there has been so many other things to focus on before that happens. I had a nightmare last night though about it. I dreamt that I forgot important things and something went wrong with the flight. I always have weird dreams about all the possible things that could go wrong before something big happens. Like start of exams, first day of school, driving tests, holidays etc. So I am not really worried about the dream because nothing usually ever goes wrong.

Today I am kind of in a bad mood though. I was really happy and excited when I woke up. Was going to have a break from revision and see my best friend and then my boyfriend. Then they both cancelled and despite it being a really nice day I have no one to spend it with so I don't see the point in even getting dressed. (Don't worry I still showered.) It just made me realise I don't have any friends here at the moment. I couldn't think of anyone to meet up with because they are either busy revising or away at uni or somewhere. I can't wait for them to all come home. Because right now I am alone an it sucks. The only reason why I remembered to blog today was because I have no one to talk to so I decided to talk to strangers instead.

One last thing. Thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog whilst I haven't been posting. Normally I come back to 0 views for weeks but I have had people reading it every day which is pretty much a miracle to me. As summer approaches I will hopefully be able to post more about my summer and my trip.

So there is a little update for you all :)

-Random Girl xx

Family Flaws

Does anyone else find that their parents are acting weirder and weirder the closer you get to going away to university? Is it normal? My parents are just putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on me to work hard. It doesn't matter than I spend about six hours or more a day revising and that I am getting A's for the first time ever in nearly everything. They say I apparently do nothing but watch tv and go out when I spend all my time actually revising. It just seems like no matter what I do they are never proud of me. They just point out everything that I have done wrong instead of congratulate me on what I have done well in. 

I had a huge argument with my mum yesterday and she has basically constantly attacked me ever since. But for months she has just been tougher on me and making me more and more depressed. I am just always sad and in a bad mood. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't want to completely lose my relationship with my parents (and that they are paying for some of my uni next year because my loan doesn't cover it all) then I would have probably moved out by now. 

It seems dramatic but they just make me so unhappy. And it is sad to think that I would be happier without them. All they do is make me cry when I am already stressed enough as it is with exams starting in just over a week. How is it fair that I have to be sad when I work so hard? And that it is my own family that is causing it.

I thought it was just these last few months that they have changed. Or even that I have changed. But I am slowly realising things as I look back at my life. Just about how naive I was. I come from a well off enough family, gone to private schools, lived on a boat and I'm even a little bit spoilt. It sounds good on paper right? Or in this case your screen. But having all that stuff doesn't make you happy. Life is about so much more than that.

I realised today that the last happy memories I have with my dad was from when I was about seven. I am nineteen and still live with him. It shouldn't be this long. But he is always working. Mum says that he is just doing it to provide for us and give us what we have. But I would take him being happy and smiling, spending time with me over a bunch of fancy crap any day. It is almost like he is a completely different person. 

Then there is my mum. Who I was always so grateful for looking after me when I was sick. But that kind of blinded me from what she is like as a person. She uses everything she has done for me as a way to guilt me into doing stuff for her. She constantly orders me around, controls what I do. Basically my life worked around hers so she could do what she wants and I had to make it work for her. I think that might be why she is so mad at me now. Because for the first time in my life I am living my life the way I want to. Not the way she wants. She believes she is always right and that there is a double standard about everything. When I go out she says we need to spend time as a family, when I ask to do something together, every single time she tells me she is busy or going out. It is basically her way or.. well her way.

I think I am just becoming more miserable as days go past because I am realising that what I thought was a pretty good family is basically broken. None of us are truly happy with our lives. We don't spend time together. We pay attention to more superficial stuff than what really matters. And that sucks.

So I promise myself today, it doesn't matter if I have a fancy house, send kids to private school, have all the latest stuff. As long as I have a family I love, and who loves me. As long as I go out and see the world for what it is. As long as I do what I want with my life. I will be happy. And I will never let myself become as miserable as my parents.

-Random Girl xx

Ten Things to Look Forward to at University

So I have been thinking a lot about the future lately. Not super far, just the next few years. And I am excited but a little sad too. So if you read this blog regularly you will know that I should be going to university in a few months. And yes I have thought a lot about having the freedom to do what I want, go out when I want and be far from home. But there are lots of little simple things that I have only just realised that has made me really excited about going. Here is a little list-

1. I can wear whatever the hell I want! I am way to excited about this one. After having to wear school uniform for years and then sixth form clothes, I am thrilled to be allowed to wear jeans and a T-shirt every day. Hmmm... may need to buy more clothes. Shopping trip anyone?
2. Go out whenever I want to. No long lectures from mum or curfews.
3. Eat whatever I want. I get to choose what I fancy everyday. However, I may just end up forgetting to eat. Whoops.
4. Buying duvet covers and cutlery. Will be cool to have new bedding and have my own cutlery. 
5. Living in a new place. After living in the countryside for the last six years, living in the city will be different. Especially without my family.
6. Making new friends. I actually can't wait to meet new people in halls and have a bunch of new friends around all the time. This year all my friends are far away so having some close will be nice.
7. Living walking distance from my best friend. We have been living hours away from each other for the last two years and now we can see each other whenever I want.
8. New Stationary! because who doesn't love the smell of fresh paper and new coloured pens.
9. New subject to study. I am actually looking forward to learning new things. Especially because its mostly coursework based and not exams. God I hate exams.
10. Making new memories. Yes, I can be cheesy too.

So there you have it. My list of things I look forward to doing in September. Will probably have a post coming up about my plans for summer soon.

-Random Girl xx

What is Sci-Fi?

So this is a very random topic. But then again, random is what I am all about. So why am I talking about Sci-Fi? Well that would be because, as some of you know, I write stories on Wattpad. Less than I used to because my time is now being taken up by dreaded exams, fussy parents with high expectations and an amazing boyfriend who helps me forget about the former two. Anyway, me and a very good friend have been talking about co-writing a book for ages. And now we are finally brainstorming ideas. Though we probably won't write until the start of summer. We both want to write something completely different to our normal teen fiction high school stories. So we decided to write a Sci-fi story. But then I asked her. What is Sci-fi? Like I have a rough idea through books, movies and TV shows but what actually counts as a Sci-fi story? My friend responds with anything that is set in space. But I decided to do some research and find out some more info.

Obviously I know Sci-fi stands for Science Fiction. But really what is scientific about aliens? Because as far as I know. We haven't discovered anything alien yet. By the way if you are wondering if I believe in aliens, then yeah I guess I kind of do. Not weird green creatures with big black eyes flying around in a frisbee shaped UFO, but I just can't believe that there isn't some sort of life that exists somewhere other than this planet. Okay, now I have gone off topic. Again. 

Science Fiction is defined as a genre of speculative fiction dealing with imaginative concepts such as futuristic science and technology, space travel, time travel, faster than life travel, parallel universes and extraterrestrial life. So I guess it is a lot more than just aliens. After further research I found out it is called "Science" fiction because they are stories that are intended to have a science-based fact or theory connected to it. But I think they have gone a little off the science topic with some of these.

Then I found out there are a bunch of subgenres related to Sci-Fi too. 

• There is Cyberpunk. Apparently is emerged in the early 1980s. Combining cybernetics with punk. How the hell that works? I dunno. I never even heard pf the word cybernetics let alone understand what it means. I also don't really understand where the punk part comes in. I think it has to do with technology and AI's (artificial intelligence). 
• Time travel is probably one of the most popular ones. There is obviously Doctor Who and Back to the Future. Two very different but amazing classics. I don't really need to explain the concept of what this is to you, but I definitely recommend you watch Back to the Future if you haven't already.
• Alternate History. I would have thought this goes under the time travel subgenre but apparently this is more specific than that. This is only based on going back to the past to change the events of the future.
• Military science fiction is another subgenre which I didn't know was a thing. I kind of just pictured the military when I read the title but its not just about national conflict but can be interplanetary or interstellar conflict too. So basically space war? I think thats a better title.
• Superhuman, I would say is the most popular and well known subgenre. It is defines as stories that deal with the emergence of humans who have abilities beyond the norm. So basically superheroes? 
• Apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic. Now that just sounds extremely depressing. This is when there is a concern with the end of civilisation through war, pandemic, astronomic impact, ecological disaster or some other disaster. This is kind of split into two topics. Apocalyptic is about the disaster and the immediate aftermath and Post-apocalyptic is basically just the aftermath ranging from the event to hundreds of years after.
• Space Opera. Is it bad that I just think of Phantom of the Opera when I read that? It is actually apparently adventure science fiction set mainly or entirely in outer space or on multiple planets. So the most popular movie (or movies) that fit under this category is Star Wars. Need I say more?
• Space Western. Okay, I can not be the only one who pictured a classic cowboy riding a horse in space. Just me? Whoops. Guess I really am weird. I don't really understand this subgenre so here is a copy and pasted explanation from wikipedia-The space Western transposes themes of American Western books and films to a backdrop of futuristic space frontiers. These stories typically involve colony worlds that have only recently been terraformed and/or settled serving as stand-ins for the backdrop of lawlessness and economic expansion that were predominant in the American west. Do you get it? Cause if you do could you please comment and explain it to me?
• Social science fiction focuses on themes of society and human nature. That was kind of vague.
• Climate Fiction is to do with climate change. Bg surprise. Usually set in either the present or the future, but sometimes the past.
• Maritime science fiction (okay these names are unoriginal) is basically about the ocean. There is maritime technoligy and sea monsters involved too. This is starting to seem less and less like science fiction to me. Anyone agree?
• Biopunk is the last one. Okay thats a lie. There is more than that but they are tiny subgenres and I can't be bothered to read about them because it is late and I'm tired. This is to do with change of the human body and engineering humans for specific purposes. Cloning, cyborgs? I don't really know what counts.

So that is basically it. All the stuff that goes into Sci-Fi. I guess it covers a lot more than just spaceships and aliens. Good to know. Only problem now is trying to decide which sub topic to write about is going to take me FOREVER. Oh well. Good thing I have a lot of time before I actually start writing. Was this useful to anyone? If not at least it helped me.

-Random Girl xxx

Things Working Themselves Out

I'm not really sure where to start with this post. To be honest I am not really sure what it is about yet. So I will just write down whatever comes to mind. Today has been a good day. Maybe even an amazing day. What happened to the crazy stressed girl from a few days ago who was an emotional mess? Well I took a break. I feel slightly guilty than I spend time relaxing and having fun instead of doing work. But actually, I think I benefited more from having a rest than I would have from the extra hours of revision. I have been working myself to the ground lately. There was just too much going on all the time and it was exhausting. There is still too much going on but now I feel calmer and a little bit more prepared for the next lot of crazy to occur. I think I was too busy trying to control everything around me, that I forgot one of the things I always tell myself. Kind of like a mantra. Things work themselves out in the end. Sure not always the way you want it to. But a lot of the time you just have to let life take its course and accept what it is given to you rather than control everything.

Three days ago, I was emotional and stressed, dealing with summer trip plans, work, revision, my boyfriend, student finance and my mum. I wanted to fix all my problems at once. Instead, I stopped all of them. Just for a day. I slept. Watched TV. Had a nap. And by the time I woke up, one of those things had been sorted. My flights were booked. My relationship with my mum (which has been very strained these last few months) was slowly repairing itself, and I had an amazing evening with my boyfriend. Sure, I still need to revise which I spent the last four hours doing. And I need to sort out student finance. But there is just the slightest weight of my shoulders which makes all the difference. I already feel more relaxed and happier than I have for weeks.

I have been too busy thinking about all the things that need to be done by the end of the school year, that I forgot about all the amazing things I have to look forward to. Going travelling, spending the summer with my old friends (and hopefully my boyfriend if we are still together then), spending time with my family (probably on the boat) and then going off to university with my best friend. I need to have something to focus on that makes me happy. A goal rather than worrying about how I get there. I need to trust myself that I can do it all as long as I am happy along the way. Because what is the point if i'm living a miserable life.

Anyway there is my random rant. If anyone has been going through anything similar (which is probably likely if you are finishing off school this year too.) then feel free to comment with your experiences. Or don't. Up to you.

-Random Girl xxx

Not Enough Time..

Hello internet people! So work has taken over my life!!! I hate it. It is all I do, all I think about, all I talk about, even all I dream about. I don't know how people do this full time. I mean I get doing a job you love or is part of your career, but full time waitressing sucks. (At least for me. Please don't be offended if you do this full time, it is just my opinion.) My bosses suck. I have barely seen my boyfriend these past few days. Yesterday I finished at five and he started at six. And then today I am working from 2 until close (around 11) and he was meant to come in at five to join me. You know what my bosses did? Changed his shift so he was sent to another pub to fill in for someone for the day. And then tomorrow he is working and I'm free and then Sunday I am working and he is free. Life sucks. It's not just about not spending enough time with him though. One of the assistant managers is really getting on my nerves. And I live in a touristy area which is full of snobbish rich tourists during the holidays who come to the pub I work at and make my life a living hell. They are so specific about everything they want and complain if they are not the top priority. They think we are all beneath them and look down at us as if we were their slaves. I just want them to go back to their mansions and boss around their own slaves instead of substituting them for us. 

The other bane in my life is school. Exams are coming and that means revision. What an evil word. So when I'm not running around like a lost sheep, slaving away at snobbish tourists, I have my head stuck in a text book. And then my family complain I don't spend enough time with them and I complain I don't spend enough time with my boyfriend. Basically I don't have enough time to work, revise, spend time with family or my boyfriend. There just isn't time. And I can feel myself getting exhausted juggling it all. 

Life sucks.

-Random Girl xx